Jaymie Holland’s Alice in Wonderland retelling, Taken by Passion, has ruined the romance-erotica genre for me the way that COVID ruined 2020.

Jaymie Holland’s (aka Cheyenne McCray) Taken by Passion: King of Hearts (Wonderland #1) follows Alice who, having just been fired from her job, comes home early to find her boyfriend engaged in a devil’s threesome with Mr and Mrs Landlord. Shocked and yet somewhat aroused by what she has just witnessed, Alice ends up at a public park late at night, rubs one out – because that’s how she apparently copes with finding out her boyfriend is a chronic cheater – and then stumbles down the rabbit hole into the land of Tarok and the Kingdom of Hearts.

Jarron, the King of Hearts, has kidnapped Alice (but in totally, like, a good way) so that she may become his Queen and lift the spell that his evil sister has placed on the land cursing its people to become barren. However, before Alice can become Queen, she must obey the laws of the land by walking around completely naked, wearing nipple rings, and surrendering herself to Jarron as his submissive. But that’s not enough for Jarron: Alice, who describes herself as chubby and overweight, but is really just full-figured, must learn to love herself just as she is (don’t worry this starts and finishes in one whole chapter). Oh, also Jarron is a shapeshifter, which plays absolutely no part in the telling of the story except to provide the author with more descriptors.

What is already a pretty out-there storyline becomes even more bizarre in its execution; in erotic romances, sex scenes need to play an integral part in the plot and character development. Essentially, if you remove the sex scenes and the story makes sense, then it’s not erotica. Apply this logic to Taken by Passion and all you have is a story about a woman who lost her job and then walked home; a story, if I am completely honest, is one that I would have much preferred to read.

There is not a single chapter in this book that does not contain some sort of sexual act, and considering the first scene is a BDSM threesome, it doesn’t really have anywhere to go after that, leaving Holland in a descriptive deficit throughout the entire book. It had me feeling like a child in the back seat of a family road trip constantly asking “are we there yet”? But, if I am to be completely honest, I am glad I persisted because the penultimate chapter made it all worth wild – if only for how hilariously terrible it is.

For Alice to become the Queen of Hearts she must partake in a bonding ceremony with all four Kings of the Tarok Kingdoms – Hearts, Spades, Diamonds, and Clubs – who also happen to be brothers. And what better way to bond than with a devil’s fivesome? If you’re trying to do the math and still coming up short, the answer is her boobs. This scene is a perfect representation of the entire book; it reads like the sexual fantasies of a pimply teenager put to paper.

I downloaded the Wonderland collection via the kindle store, but this first book was so bad I went to the effort of physically deleting it from my account, forfeiting my ability to read any of the subsequent books without re-purchasing them; contingencies had to be put in place to ensure I would never waste that much time or that many brain cells again. I felt so ashamed having this series on my kindle, which is weird because the only reason I bought a kindle was to read smut without others knowing.

I am pretty liberal when it comes to others’ reading preferences; if you like romance way to go; if you prefer the classics good on you; if you’re a sucker for sci-fi then go for it. But this book and consequent series, which I have not read, is where I draw the line. So, if you enjoyed this book, I’m sorry, but we cannot be friends. At all or ever again. #sorrynotsorry